For some reason I watched part of that Dateline on food advertizing. A little bit ago, there was a part where they did an “experiment” of sorts where they took a group of 6-year-olds & had them choose between two items, one with a cartoon character on it and one without. Was simple enough at first: two cupcakes, one w/ Spiderman on it, most of the kids picked the spiderman one. Then they took a cupcake w/ Scooby Doo on it & a banana & asked which one they’d want to eat — naturally they took the cupcake.

The last two were interesting: a plain cupcake vs a banana w/ cartoon stickers on it, and a plain banana vs — get this — a rock with Spongebob on it. They even specified the point was about which they wanted to EAT, and without fail most picked whatever had the cartoon character on it. After this, they predictably talk to some woman launching into the “it’s sooooo hard to tell them no…” routine, implying that someone (read: the government) has to step in to save parents from buying their kids junk food. Me, I got a different conclusion:

Six year olds are ignorant of the concept of nutrition, have little grasp of reality, and are, oh, how can I put this, SIX YEAR OLDS!!

Think about how you were when you were six. Santa Claus, the easter bunny, the freakin tooth fairy. Why the hell is it so surprising to Dateline that kindergarteners wouldn’t know you can’t eat a rock?!? Cancel this godawful show, please!

To the parents out there, I’m about to solve your problems. Next time your brat whines about wanting something, say the following to yourself:

“I am an adult, I pay the bills. This is a child, he/she pays for nothing. If not for me this child would starve, he/she will take what I give them and shut up. His/her naivete is a characteristic of childhood, to be broken in the process of growing up into a responsible adult, I will break them of it at all costs. Saying no is crucial to this, my responsibility as a parent.” Then look them in the eye and say “No. That is final, don’t ask again.” If they do, a nice open-handed slap is in order. You should eventually get to a point where all you have to do is look at them and they’ll shut up.

Damn, I should write a book…