Was quiet past few days due to visiting relatives/hitting up the few boyhood restaurants that still exist back in the ol’ neighborhood. During a visit with Grandma, who got a ridiculous deal on quite possibly the biggest TV known to mankind, sat & watched said Tubezilla. An episode of “The Doctors” — which I’d never heard of before that precise point, and didn’t change the channel from because she didn’t have cable — came on. The premise was elephant-shit obvious: a panel of people with medical degrees whore themselves out in a talkshow format about something.
The topic of slutification this day? “OH NOES!!! THE DRUGZ IS CUNSOOMEENG YORE KIDDEHS!!!”
“Great”, I thought to myself. They proceeded to take the following heard-it-all-before substance abuse stories and act like they were the ’09 model:
- “You can find recipes for making crystal meth online! How sad…” (at which moment the Patron Saints of Freedom of Speech & Raise Your Own Damn Kids shrug in unison and say “point being?”)
- “Vodka bongs!? WTF?!?” (Considering how long both vodka and bongs have been around, this stopped being shock-worthy before I was born)
- “Flavored narcotics?!? AN-ARK-EE!!! AN-ARK-EE!!!” (Me of Last Year called, he says you just answered George Clinton’s album cover question)
- “OHMIGAWDTHEYREPUTTINGPOTINCANDY!!!” (Yeah, for medical marijuana patients. Considering the popular image of marijuana smokers, the only offense behind “Buddhafinger” is commission of Metasnark without a license)
- “Your daughter may be putting Peruvian Flake in her twat!!!” (Jeebus fucking Khrist, Sigmund Freud was doing that w/ women during his coke-as-therapy period. Maybe if people embraced a book once in awhile or paid attention in science class they’d know that sticking drugs in your woo-hah and/or exit makes overdose drastically more likely. Damn kids can’t even get high right these days…)
The sole actual innovation (AFAIK — I’m too Grown Ass Man to do that kind of shit, and even when I wasn’t beer & the occasional ‘dro was enough) among these “new dangers!!!” was the use of dry ice to vaporize hard liquor — which needless to say is a waste of liquor.
What force could possibly have conjured up such a masterpiece of Too Dumb To Parody TV? Wiki sez…:
The series is a spin-off of Dr. Phil and is the first talk show to be spun off from another talk show spin-off, as Dr. Phil itself is a spin-off of The Oprah Winfrey Show.
Not only are the pigs sprouting wings and flying, they’re shooting lazer beams from their eyeballs and jumping over sharks, while mating in mid-air. I’ll have a plague of locusts, large fries, & a chocolate shake, please…
